Deep thoughts...

Okay so I had a major breakdown today. As some of you know Logan and I have been tring for a year and a half to get pregnant with our second child. To no avail we have not produced another Logan junior. Well I go in these cycles of being okay with it and then days like today where I feel like life could not get any worse (although I know it could). I have learned a lot about myself in this one day than I have in my 25 years of trying to piece myself together. One thing I have learned is that I am stronger than I give myself credit for. I know the gospel is true and even though I want to be so mad at the Lord for not "blessing" me with another child, I also know that He knows what is best for me. Not that He is up there with strings attached to me guiding me in every move I make. I forget that sometimes and loose track of the love and understanding He has for me. I was given this challenge, whether to better myself, or because of something in the future that may come to pass, or maybe it just hasn't happened for us yet and that is it, I don't know. I do know that I am "blessed" everyday to have a beautiful little boy to give me snuggles and kisses and love me unconditiontally. I now understand, really, what a miracle is. Reid is my miracle. I don't feel like he is all we will have and so when I am lucky enough to feel the Lord's mercy and bring another child into this world, I hope with all my heart that I can understand what a miracle children are. I have also come to understand that my testimony, no matter how weak, is in me. I have faltered through out this year and a half with my testimony, but I can't get rid of it. (No matter how hard I try, just kidding.) But really, it is in me so deep that even though I have dropped the intensity of it, it is still there. I am lucky that I have a supportive husband who keeps me in check. With out him I may have lost that little glimpse of light that my testimony gives me. I have a long way to come to get to where I was, or where I want to be with my spirtuality. But I know I can do it and I didn't think I could until today. Wow is life a journey!! The twists and turns never end do they?? Even though this has been one of the hardest things for me to deal with, I would do it for anyone so they didn't have to have this burden. It has been very tough one me and yet I would not want it any other way. We learn and grow from our trials and with out them we couldn't become the kind of people we need to be to live with our Heavenly Father again. I have to personally thank Reesha. She is always full of great advice and can calm me down no matter what is bothering me. You are so special to me, thank you Reesh. Also to Mom. Where I would I be with out you. Even though we drive eachother crazy, you give some of the best advice and give me the best perspective on life. Thank you, I love you. Sorry this is so sappy, but I felt like I needed to get that off my chest and tell the world about my story (well not the world, but to feel like I did). It is liberating to type it out and not know who is going to read this... anyway, thanks for tuning in and for everyone I know and love being so great to me!!!